'like you need more to do'

I hear this phrase a lot from friends and acquaintances and never really understood it until I was telling a friend of mine that I was thinking of getting back into knitting. Mind you, I haven’t knitted since I was about ten years old when my grandmother and I would spend hours upon comfortable hours together knitting, crocheting and drinking together (me the forbidden soda and her, well, let’s say my bartending days started at an early age…). I remember looking at her a bit askew after she sarcastically, but lovingly said ‘like you need more to do’ and wondered, yup, I really did wonder for a moment why she was saying that.

Then, two days later another friend e-mailed me asking me how I ‘do it’. She meant; how on earth do you manage to get through each day in one piece and not sobbing into your pillow ready to die. Like her, I have some serious chronic pain, but I manage it, and thankfully, my busy, farm lifestyle either doesn’t allow me to dwell or enables me to take a few more breaks during a 26 hour day –either way, I get through it. But her question made me question myself – how do I really do it? I was reminded of my first experience in counseling almost twenty years ago when the counselor asked me ‘what makes you happy’. I was flummoxed so completely it took me years to even come close to answering that question. I CAN answer it today very easily, here goes: Writing & reading, creating marketing info for my farm, tending to my chickens, most of my work in general, baking and creating new recipes for my family, friends and my bakery, being self sufficient and raising and growing most of my resources ie; food, and exploring with my boys and watching them grow (not necessarily in that order). So, I wanted to add knitting….

I actually couldn’t physically knit for about twenty years due to severe carpal tunnel in both wrists which I finally had surgery to correct them over the course of about a year and a half. So….now I can do a lot more than before (like hold a glass). And, I feel that it’s very important for me to create ‘things’ to offset the feeling of stagnation created by daily pain. Having had my thyroid gland removed in 1998 has presented me with many years of challenges like depression, anxiety and chronic pain. I once asked my chiropractor if I had fibro myalga and he responded with ‘ what’s the difference? Will a diagnosis change what you are doing – you already do everything in your power to manage you situation with your yoga, diet and attitude – why bother worrying if you HAVE fibro myalga?’ Point taken. But, I do have daily pain that would probably keep most people in bed all day. How do I push through it? That is a hard question that I’m still trying to answer, but here goes:

I find solace when I pet my dog and snuggle her.
I love my pillow and even when my back is screaming at me in pain, I will turn into my pillow and revel in the feel of that soft caress.
I feel completely whole when my youngest son snuggles with me and tells me I smell like ‘fresh air and clouds’.
I take guilty pleasure a couple times a week and eat my homemade ice cream with chocolate chips for breakfast (so I can burn it off all day mind you…).
I do yoga every day and that makes me feel whole for a short while, but also helps control the pain.
I love it when a new customer comes into my store and a great conversation takes place.
I walk- my most important pain reliever!

Simple, small things such as these help me through the day or week. Sure, I get stuck some days and feel as though I haven’t done enough or I feel profoundly down. When that happens, I am blessed with friends who are there for me no matter what. I can bitch and moan and they listen and that’s all that matters – they have either been there or completely sympathize and understand and that type of friendship is the core of every woman’s (and should be every man’s) happiness.

I am never sure what to say when I work with people who are ‘stuck’ in a part of their life whether it be sickness, obesity, menopause or depression. I think it’s important that they (you) are reaching out, that’s always the first step in the healing process. But, ultimately, it’s up to all of us individually to heal ourselves. Find the tools like people like counselor, a confidant or me. Find the information like books or use the Internet to help guide you. And then, find the courage to take action and like the Nike ads, ‘just do it’!